Failure. The other "F" word. We humans don't like to talk about it. Just the thought of it makes us squirmy, nervous, uncomfortable, scared. We balk at the mere insinuation that something we tried, put our hearts into, spent money on, advertised about, bet our everything on, FAILED. When failure slaps you in the face, what next? Other than eating a whole package of double stuffed oreos and boycotting laundry/dishes/cleaning/cooking, or my favorite: feel sorry for myself and spend hours imagining I'm the poor, unloved, discarded character who is swept up into becoming the gorgeous and amazingly successful heroine, thanks to amazing Hallmark movie plot lines and soft lighting. You guys, I have an extensive archived collection of Hallmark-ish storylines filed away in my brain with me in the leading role. It's shameful.
I've been thinking about this unglamorous, but inevitable part of life a lot lately. Especially because I'm a mom, and not only must I unpack the stuff that comes along with my own failings and fears of failing, but I have to address the failure issue with my kids, because they, like me, are human and although I'd like to shelter them from all manner of tough experiences and feelings, it's life and we must face it head on. I was gifted recently with a crash course in coping with failure feelings when one of my daughters didn't make it onto a gymnastics team. Picture a child who is VERY introverted and has always struggled with putting herself out there to try anything new and risky. When my daughter told me she wanted to try out for the team after being in a rec gymnastics class, I was so excited. My mom heart overflowed. My baby is breaking out of her shell! This is her moment! She's going to see the pay-off for taking a chance and going for it!
On try-outs day, I sat nervously outside the gym, awaiting the results. I was planning what we would do after in celebration of her making it on the team, what I would post on social media-because we all get an adrenaline rush when posting about our achievements on social media, right? Ah, the dangerously alluring and tricky world of social media. So my daughter walked out of the gym after what seemed like WEEKS, and by that time I was a mess of nerves and pride, caught up in my plans for my daughter's professional gymnastics career-maybe she'll go to the next Olympics? I barely heard her whisper "I didn't make it". But I heard. And suddenly I felt my face go red hot; I was that awkward pre-teen again, trying to make friends in a new town, not fitting in with the jocks or the nerds, the popular kids or the artsy creative bunch. Not being exceptionally great at any one thing so that I was JUST AVERAGE. I felt the big FAILURE feelings. And then I looked around the room, seeing other moms and several daughters run to their moms, joyously shouting "I made it" and "I'm on the team!" Oh gosh, the ugly in me just had its way, big time. I hated those moms and their daughters and all their future celebratory Facebook posts. I wanted to run out of that building.
During the car ride home, as my daughter and I talked and I attempted to be a supportive, encouraging mom who pours out words of wisdom and powerful pep talks, summoning all the Oprah, Tony Robbins, Suze Orman and Pinterest positive quotes I could muster (and I was FAILING miserably), my very motivational thoughts and words came to a dead stop and I felt God's firm, but gentle nudge and message to me: "Grace, you are enough and your kids are enough. As-is. Just the way you are."
So here's the thing. Parallel to the messages of perfectionism, greatness, success, airbrushed, filtered, accomplished, social media readiness our society shoves down our throats, there's this other track on which we find the alternate messages of being ourselves, we are good enough just the way we are, go without that make-up on Facebook and challenge 10 friend to post their fresh-faced, blotchy, tired-eyed "real" photos! Yay! Everyone gets the first-place trophy! Moms-I know I'm not the only one who finds the conundrum of these two societal themes equally prevalent, just incredibly maddening. How on earth do we navigate that territory with our kids? And with ourselves, my goodness, that's A LOT of work.
One of my favorite children's book authors is Dr. Seuss. And one of my favorite lines from a book of his (Happy Birthday To You!) is "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you." I have said that line to myself so many times throughout my life as a reminder when I'm feeling inadequate, unsure and feeling like a failure. Those Dr. Seuss words have seen me though an array of failures from failed friendships to failed career paths, to a failed marriage to A TON of failures as a parent. This is so so SO important for parents especially, to keep reminding ourselves and our kids. If you're a single parent like me, this is crucial. There may not be another adult in your home to reinforce the importance of those Dr. Seuss life-affirming ideas to you and your babies.
You are you. God made you unlike anyone else He made. Our kids are enough. Whether they make the team, achieve the grades, have all the friends, play all the instruments. It's going to be OK. You and I are enough, without the filters, the airbrushing or the envious and awe-inspiring Instagram photos and Facebook status updates. Takes me back to the old-school family newsletters on card stock, bordered stationary with all the announcements of honor roll, job promotions and pictures of award-winning magazine-worthy homes that only the people who actually HAD all of those things to write about, wrote about. I'm still waiting on a newsletter that proudly proclaims that Sarah has consistently earned a "D" in math three years in a row, Timothy got kicked out of choir because of his perpetually loud belting of notes that are so off key, the rest of the ensemble quickly derails, and little Amy is still in diapers at 4 and a half, and has no desire to participate in her pre-school's rigorous academic curriculum because she just wants to play in the sandbox and get dirty and be a regular kid, for goodness' sake!
I pray I will grow to have more courage to be unapologetically real with my many times average, sometimes below average life and accomplishments, or lack thereof. More so, I pray that my kids are learning from me, though I often fall short of encouraging them towards embracing this way of thinking and living. I want them to really, REALLY take hold of the freeing knowledge that in life there is failure. And failure doesn't have to be damaging. It is growth inducing, compassion enhancing, relationship building. We are all flawed, all with ugly life experiences. God looks at all the mess and countless failures and sees unique, beautiful, wonderful, accepted, loved, precious creations. That unpleasant word, undesirable, unworthy of a stellar social media post: FAILURE? I'm taking it back and refusing to let it wield its power over me.
