Wimp. Wuss. Scaredy Cat. Chicken. Fearful. All words that describe the natural tendencies I've had my entire life. Most people who've known me for any length of time would be a bit baffled by this description of myself. "She's strong and independent," they'd say. "Bossy, opinionated, assertive," they'd say. While those are true, (especially the "bossy" description-ask my kids, siblings or co-workers and I'm sure they'll have some stories for you-yikes!), hidden just beneath the surface of my gritty, independent woman, tough exterior is a layer of continuously simmering fear.
Fear of failure. Fear of death. Fear of rejection. Fear of missing out. Fear of change. Fear of being wrong. And on and on. I like safe. I'm big on all things predictable. Schedules. Routines. Plans. Agendas. Outlines. Calendars. Notifications. If anyone ever comes across my iPhone calendar and is inclined to scroll through the daily reminders and notifications I have entered-well let's just say it's all in there, short of bathroom break reminders. If it's not in there, IT DOES NOT EXIST and you can't make me do it.
Becoming a mom unhinged me in a sense that for the last 11 and a half years, and even more so for the last several years of being a single mom, I've teetered the precarious divide between attempting to maintain an orderly, organized, safe and predictable household while pushing myself to step outside that unattainable and often damaging comfort zone to foster a passion and drive in my kids to follow dreams, seek adventure and do the things that are scary, but will bring growth and meaning. Because yet another fear added to the massive pile I've been building and stacking year after year is the fear that I am teaching my kids to be fearful just like me. I must, I will, break the cycle of fear.
I've been reflecting on this personal issue of fear as I look ahead to the approaching new year. One of my kids asked me the other day what my 2018 New Year's resolutions are. I'm sure you can imagine that per my previous expression of love for planning, I create a neat, numbered list of annual resolutions with the goal of crossing off all items by December 31. In so many years past, I certainly did follow the long-held tradition and created my list of resolutions. My New Year's resolutions lists were, I'm sure, pretty standard to the middle class, American, Christian template. Lose weight. Make more money. Get more involved in church. Make more time for family devotions. Volunteer more. Organize the plastic container/tupperware cabinet (LORD HELP US ALL-this remains on the eternal New Year's resolutions list). But when my daughter asked me about my 2018 list, I realized I hadn't really stopped to think about what resolutions I might want to make for the new year. The only word that came to mind was "fearless".
For the last few days since the resolutions question was posed to me, as we celebrated Christmas and all the joy and beauty that comes with it, I sat with that word "fearless". Mulled it over. Felt it's weight on my tongue. Typed it out in various fonts in my mind. I've been thinking about a couple goals, not necessarily resolutions, that I have for 2018:
- Take a beginner's yoga class for the first time. Yoga class fears: I will wear the wrong type of yoga outfit. I will sweat profusely and get red in the face even though all other yogis will be dry and fresh-faced, because this is a BEGINNER YOGA CLASS AND NO ONE SWEATS HERE. I will display my terrible sense of balance and fall over, will cause the yogi next to me to follow suit, thus creating a domino situation.
- FINALLY start writing a memoir. Memoir writing fears: I will have writer's block after the first paragraph and my memoir writing dreams will end there. I will complete the book and all publishers will laugh in my face and tell me I am the worst writer who ever lived and I should just stop writing immediately for the sake of all decent readers and mankind in general.
So I guess I'm already throwing in the towel on my 2018 goals because of that nagging, defeating, ugly mess called FEAR. Amidst that realization, I read a passage from Priscilla Shirer's "Fervent", the Bible study I'm currently working through. Here's a snippet: "It's the enemy telling you, 'Be very afraid.' Is that the kind of junk he's been feeding you lately? Twenty million reasons why you can't?.......Why not? Might take too much time? Not to mention the pressure? What would people think if I did something so audacious.....So despite your hesitation, say yes. Walk on. Have faith. Fear not."
WELL. Fearless, then. That's what I want for 2018. My New Year's resolutions list condensed to one eight-letter word. For myself. For my kids. For my family. For all my fellow single moms. For anyone who struggles with fear stifling all the dreams, and creativity and adventures to be had. Let's rip fear right out at the root and fling it into the oblivion of 2017 and every year before. Be free of it, my friends.
"So do not fear, for I am with you." - Isaiah 41:10
